Having a neurodivergent child when others have neurotypical children can sometimes be lonely. I was watching an episode of Atypical where two couples who were close friends who were both pregnant with sons. One son had autism and the other was neurotypical. The parents stopped being friends because the neurotypical family couldn’t accommodate the son’s sensory meltdowns from the neurodivergent family.
This has happened to us on two occasions. The first of which was at my friend’s birthday party where the adults and older children treated my eldest neurodivergent daughter differently. The second of which was just over a week ago from former friends who don’t accommodate our needs as a Neurodivergent-Neurotypical couple with a Neurodivergent child and Neurotypical child.
ND need not apply
The first experience made us retreat from our NCT meet ups. In our NCT group there was a smug parent who always boasted about how great their child was. It’s hard for us to bring my oldest to certain environments in case she suffers from sensory overload. We didn’t want to subject our oldest to scrutiny by other NCT parents who appear to have neurotypical children.
It’s been a lonely feeling and we find many other parents don’t care to listen or understand.
What we don’t need
Last week we had a meeting about our oldest at nursery. They were concerned that she was endangering herself and were finding it difficult to supervise her. If things don’t improve by July, there is a chance we may have to find alternative childcare from September. We were stunned to say the least.
We needed some time to process the news the day after when some “friends” decided to stop by to drop their ancient laptop for my other half to fix. Instead of listening to our predicament they displayed no empathy and said “in all your ways acknowledge him” and “what are you going to do about childcare?”
If I was fully unmasked I would tell the husband to pray to god for the wisdom to buy a new laptop and the wife to subtly f*** off. That didn’t happen instead I silently retreated to the kitchen in frustration.
A week has passed by since that ill (and I do mean literally) fated encounter where I’ve finally had time to recover from the illness they brought to our household. As I’m writing this my eldest daughter’s been better less meltdowns and she’s even speaking at nursery. We start the day with her morning routine then she plays outside.
What we need
After I started to recover from my illness, my partner and oldest daughter begin to get ill. My partner’s illness was probably more serious as he is currently bed bound and needs assistance to get up. On the eve of her birthday, his mother came round and showed me how to make some natural smoothies which is helping with his recovery. Another family celebration postponed due to these recklessness of these parasitic individuals.
My mother in law came up with some wise scripts during this visit to avoid this happening again. Offer to meet reckless individuals in a public place and ask them for a deposit if they request services. Also to tell them to buy coffee for you if they meet you at a coffee shop. Your home is your sanctuary not a parasite’s (blunt term for user’s) restaurant.
Whilst cleaning the kitchen, I decided to listen to an audiobook by KC Davis entitled How to Keep House While Drowning. This book said we often fall behind on our housework due to some stressful event in our lives. It dawned on me that the news of my oldest daughter repeatedly endangering herself at nursery to the point she will be thrown out if it doesn’t stop was enough to send both of our parents into a daze.
Instead of having two to three days to process the information at our own pace these parasites turn up expecting to be waited on hand and foot the following day. Despite doing our best to accommodate them including baking cookies from scratch they demanded we pay for a Chinese. Honestly, the gall of some people.
Neurodivergent parents with neurodivergent children need empathetic individuals in their lives who will support them. Not parasitic vampires who will drain energy that should be reserved for the children.
What we realised
This experience has made my husband and I appreciate each other even more as teammates. My awesome mother in law also provided us with the wisdom we need.
In addition, we have learnt to only discuss parenting issue with other SEND parents. The knowing nods alone are enough to make us feel seen and not dismissed.